it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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