if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize