I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
