woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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