My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize