we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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