I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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