So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You have to summon your inner elephant
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize