He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
