when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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