I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
