If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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