You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
