I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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