You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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