Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
