i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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