I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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