I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
