Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
