i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
