Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
