Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
