Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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