White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Drake has all the answers
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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