I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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