He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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