somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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