Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
