I think I died a long time ago.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
