the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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