Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
