I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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