I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
