my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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