Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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