So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
