Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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