So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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