I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh god it's open bar.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
