i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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