I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
