So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
