An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There r osticjed everywhere
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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