i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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