you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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