It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If I die, sorry about rent.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
