I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize