this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
