apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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