If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
