I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
