I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
