I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
