I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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