Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
